Author: Demi

The break-up of a relationship is the 2nd most traumatic experience we will go through after the loss of a loved one.

And Swiss psychologist Elizabeth Kuble-Ross developed the loss cycle, showing the 5 emotional stages of grief we pass through after the break-up of a relationship.

These 5 stages of the loss cycle are also the exact same stages of grief we go through after the loss of a loved one.

A big part of your life is now over and we need to grieve the loss of the breakdown of a relationship by working through these emotions and not pushing them away despite how painful they are. This is very important.

The emotional recovery of a break-up is different for everyone and you may find yourself bouncing from one stage to another, some may go back and forth meaning you may visit some stages more than once, and some can even become stuck in one stage for a while. But all this is normal, and it takes time and support to heal and recovery, and work through these stages.

• DENIAL – This is the stage where we say things to our self such as, “I can’t believe it’s over”, “This isn’t happening”. It’s a common defence mechanism and a temporary response. It gives us false hope. It also postpones the pain and the need to grieve, as it’s too painful for us to face.
• ANGER – This is when we have come out of the denial stage and reality kicks in. You may experience hate, white hot rage, resentment, righteous indignation and a strong feeling for revenge. All this is normal. The anger can also empower you making you realise you deserve better, and remembering that you matter. The anger could also make you experience emotions such as fear of the future, envy and persecution.
• BARGAINING – this is the stage where you try to hold onto the relationship and will do anything to save it, fix it, even if it means going against your own morals and values. You take on the whole responsibility as to why the relationship didn’t work out by saying you will be more this or more that. You may even bargain with a higher power. It’s a very traumatic stage to be in.
• DEPRESSION – This stage is when the real reality of the relationship break-up starts to kick in. You start to isolate yourself from others, have a lack of interest in things you used do, your sleeping and eating patterns change to too much or too little, you may turn to alcohol or take drugs, you may stop getting dressed and looking after yourself. This is a dark time.
• ACCEPTANCE – This stage is when you have come to terms with the break-up. You may have regrets but can live with them. You’re no longer stuck in grief. It’s time to start redesigning your life. Moving towards and focusing on the future.

Children may go through many feelings, thoughts and emotions dealing with their parents break-up.

This can be a very stressful and worrying time for them and they too are going through a grieving process from the loss of the family unit they once knew. This is normal.

It is the job of the parent to make the process less painful for them and help them see the break-up situation from a positive perspective, so they can come out the other side more resilient.

Biggest factors divorce has on children’s wellbeing:-

• Conflict- length and severity
• Quality of parenting over time
• Your personal relationship between yourself and your child

Divorce doesn’t have to damage your children and it can be an empowering life lesson as it will teach them early on in life that not all things in life turn out as we plan, nut that it doesn’t mean that we won’t be happy ever again.

Letting them see you pick yourself up and turn your life around again based on your behaviour shows them how to cope with situations. Making us their role model and teaching them a valuable life lesson and skill.

Tips on how to tell children about the break-up:-

• Tell the children together
• Decide together what you’re going to tell the children
• Let children ask questions if they have any. And don’t rush off
• Reassure them that they are loved still by both parents, and that it will be ok
• Reassure them that this is not their fault
• Do not play the blame game in front of the children
• Do not get emotional in front of the children
• Be honest about there will be changes, and explain what these will be if you can
• Tell the truth but keep it simple
• Keep it focused on the benefits and the positives by telling children things like, they will have two birthday and Christmas celebrations, have two bedrooms, get extra toys etc.

• Focus on your breathing- notice each inhale and exhale. Take slow deep breathes
• Use positive affirmations
• Mindfulness
• Stop, breathe and then act. Count to 5 before re-acting
• Write a gratitude list. Keep it somewhere where you can see it everyday
• Muscle relaxation exercises- tensing and relaxing different muscle groups throughout the body
• Walk among nature
• Drink herbal teas such as tulsi tea (Holy Basil)
• Meditate
• Remind yourself that the worst is over
• Make kind statements to yourself such as “you are a good person. You’ll get through this”
• Self soothe- wrap yourself in a blanket to make yourself feel safe
• Question your feelings
• Find time for yourself- do your thing weather its painting, running, cycling, or maybe riding your bike.

Sometimes toxic behaviour in a person can be just their natural personality. Other times it can be due to mental illness.

Either way, this can cause the family dynamics to be very toxic through, drama, conflict, being manipulative, exploitative, controlling, needy, jealous, extremely competitive, entitled, vindictive, false accusations, attention seeking and needing constant validation.

It is important to understand the impact of unhealthy patterns such as these on our mental, emotional and physical health.

And at times we may not even understand that certain family dynamics are unhealthy, or have the tools to address these patterns.

These questions will help to give you those tools:-

• How often do I want to see them?
• How much time do I want to spend with them?
• How much information about my life and myself do I want to share with them?
• Am I internally and externally boundaried?
• Have I made my boundaries known to them?
• Have I reinforced my boundaries to them if they break them?
• Am I allowing myself to be manipulated by them?
• Do I have a need to be liked by them?
• Do I need to go limited contact with them? ( if age appropriate)
• Do I need to go no contact with them/ remove them from my life? ( if age appropriate)
• Is the relationship with them only about borrowing money and needing money?
• Do I allow them to interfere with my life?
• Do they bring drama and conflict to my life?
• Are having these people in my life giving me the life I want or need for myself?

Survivors of intimate relationships with narcissists will understand the attention seeking/validation a narcissistic abuser displays as they try to gain narcissistic supply be it through praise, admiration, validation, sex, status, wealth or even compassion of a co-dependent.

One of the common ways narcissists retain narcissistic supply is through triangulation. This is the act of having another person or even more than one person in the dynamic of the relationship and making the victim compete for the attention of the narcissist.

This method is often used to create love triangles among the people that the narcissistic abuser depends on for his or her daily fix of attention.

Narcissists want us to compete for their love and attention, but what we are fighting for is ultimately meaningless, as narcissists don’t even have the ability to love anyone in a healthy manner.

Triangulation doesn’t only have to involve another romantic interest.

One of the easiest ways for a narcissist to triangulate is spending excessive time with a close adult child. This adult child starts to pretty much function as a surrogate partner.

Incredibly, the narcissist will take their adult child on vacations, day trips out, to weddings, and all sorts of events and places that most healthy people would take their significant other to.

The narcissist will spend a lot of time texting and calling their adult child as they would with a significant other.

Giving the surrogate partner (adult child) endless validation, and confiding in them as if they were their partner.

There will be couple photos of them both posted on social media often, or the narcissist will be posing with other people the narcissist wants to triangulate you with, like certain friends of the opposite sex.

And when you mention their behaviour they will repeatedly call you crazy and jealous.

Instead of affection of their partner, they prefer the adoration of an entourage. And by keeping their adult child immature and dependant on them emotionally and mentally, they will always be assured of a reliable source of adoration (narc supply).

Having a relationship in this way with their adult child as their life partner is called emotional incest.

And it gets passed on from one generation to another.

– Dr Sam Vaknin.

This kind of emotional abuse is one of the most insidious, heartbreaking and traumatic experiences you can go through.

I know first hand the huge impact it has on your self-worth and confidence.
And Triangulation leaves long lasting emotional scars and makes you feel as if you are jealous and insecure.

Its soul destroying, and also leaves you unsure how or if you will trust a partner in the future ever again.

I spent the whole of my relationship with my emotionally abusive ex partner having to compete and fight for my position in my own relationship. Not with just one women, but three women in his life. On many different occasions.

You never have to compete with anyone, and a healthy partner would never want anyone who they truly love and cherish to feel their competing with anyone anyway.

We don’t consciously allow this type of person to abuse us through Triangulation.

The narcissist covertly hooks us in with their false mask of charm, adoration, and false love. And by being everything that they think we want him or her to be.

They can spot a kind, loving and genuine person a mile off. Just like a great white shark can smell one drop of blood in the ocean a mile away.

Feeling real love for a partner and feeling loved by your partner is real and exists. But a narcissist will lie and be what they think you want them to be, for example, ‘They once claimed they were a broken person, and couldn’t be their real self with anyone else, and that you were the reason they were happy’.

Here are just some of the ways they may triangulate you with others:-

• Flirting
• Giving impression to another they are available
• Physical infidelity
• Emotional infidelity
• Receiving and sending flirty texts messages to and from them
• Defending others above or against you despite their bad behaviour towards you
• ‘Liking’ other women’s ( who they know personally and triangulating you with) half naked body photos
• Cosy couple photos of them together on social media
• They allow the person they are triangulating you with to break your boundaries
• Confides in person/s they are triangulating you with
• Their not private about your life between you both(Shares information with person/s your being triangulated with)
• The intimate moments of love you thought were just for you are being shared with the person/s you are being triangulated with as well
• They are constantly validating the person/s your being triangulated with through texts and calls, as if they were their lover
• Always takes their phone to bathroom with them and interacts with the person/s you’re being triangulated with, while you’re in bed waiting for your partner to spend time with you.
• Takes them on days out instead of you
• Buys jewellery or personal gifts for them while out buying you a special gift, i.e. Your Engagement Ring
• Keeps phone on while you’re on holiday together so they can keep in touch with them

You will never be able to settle into a feeling of peace in your relationship with them.

And when you question them on their behaviour with the other person your triangulated with their response will be that of denial and rage while calling you crazy and jealous. Gas lighting you and Projecting on to you.

It is important to know and understand that Triangulation is not an indication of your worth or desirability.

Let their New/Old sources of supply get the consultation prize. Move onto bigger and better things.

Your biggest prize is your new life, a life of freedom, a path back to your true authentic self, healing and recovery, and having true authentic love come into your life from a partner that is kind, cares about your feelings, needs, wants and happiness, respects you, and doesn’t make you compete.

Self protection against Triangulation:-

• Work on self-worth and confidence
• Have internal and external boundaries
• Trust you gut instinct
• Acknowledge your feelings
• Learn the Red Flags to protect your self
• Never resort to calling yourself crazy in order to account for their extremely bad behaviour
• Learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in a relationship
• Put your boundaries in place and don’t allow them to break them
• Leave the relationship