Notice: My therapeutic practice is currently closed to new clients as I train full-time to become a high-conflict family lawyer. Please see my homepage for the full update.
Professional Note for Legal Employers & Firms:
As a future high-conflict family lawyer, the clinical experience detailed on this page serves as my foundation for managing complex litigation. Emotional abuse, gaslighting, and covert tactics leave no physical marks for a court to see, which is exactly why these cases require a specialized legal approach. Identifying these distinct behavioral patterns determines whether you are dealing with a temporary dispute or a deeply entrenched personality disorder attempting to manipulate the legal system. My background allows me to bring advanced risk management, elite client care, and strategic psychological insight to family law cases—assets that standard legal training alone cannot replicate.
Abuse is Abuse, Regardless of Diagnosis
Abuse is abuse no matter what the diagnosis may be. You do not need a partner to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), or any other personality disorder, in order to be able to leave them.
If the relationship is hurting you either emotionally, mentally, psychologically, or physically, then this is not love. You have every right to leave, and it would be wise to do so.
Abuse, such as emotional abuse, is hard to recognise. It is hard for outsiders to see it too, as emotional abuse is felt, not seen. It is covert, as is Narcissistic Abuse.
Understanding Overt vs. Covert Narcissism
Covert narcissists (also known as vulnerable narcissists) come under the Personality Disordered Cluster B types, along with overt narcissists.
Overt narcissists are fairly easy to spot. However, covert narcissists—which are the most damaging type out of the two—are a lot more difficult to spot. They wear a mask that they hide behind, so at first, you don’t see who they really are.
Then there’s the “Dark Triad” type, which consists of Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy. People with these traits show up with excessive self-love, and they struggle to see the point of how something makes another person feel. Sociopaths and psychopaths both disregard the rights of others, fail to feel remorse or guilt, and both can be extremely violent.
The Childhood Blueprint and Trauma Bonding
Research shows that 80% of abusers have Personality Disorders, and a lot of abusive types can be found in people’s family units, especially Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This then goes on to become the blueprint as to why a person ends up dating or marrying someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It almost always stems from the child’s relationship with a Narcissistic Cluster B parent, caregiver, or family member.
It is also the reason why a person finds it difficult to leave an abusive relationship. It is familiar to them, and they learned in their childhood that love is abuse. This unconscious belief that love is abuse becomes their identity and how they know how to be. This results in the reason the person ends up in an abusive relationship in the first place, and it is one of the reasons why they experience withdrawal symptoms if they try to leave the relationship, or if the narcissist discards them.
This happens because the person has become unconsciously addicted due to being trauma bonded to the abuser, despite craving something that is deeply harmful to them.
The Impact on the Inner Critic
Furthermore, the inner critic is hardwired through programming in childhood to believe that love is pain, that a respectful and authentic love isn’t available to them, that they are not enough and are unlovable, and that their feelings and emotions are not valuable, do not matter, or are not even worthy of being acknowledged.
The mind sticks with what is familiar. Because of this childhood trauma programming, it leads the person in adulthood to believe that they can right the situation in a romantic relationship by getting that unconditional love from their abusive partner that they did not successfully receive from their parent or caregiver. The parents or caregivers failed to give them this as a child; if they had, the person as an adult today would feel and believe they were lovable and enough.
The Narcissistic Cycle and Systemic Dynamics
Sadly, this validation will not be achieved with an abusive intimate partner either, as covert narcissists are incapable of giving love. A narcissist does not, ever, enter into a relationship with anyone for love. They only use love as a weapon against their victims in order to addict their partner to them—and then, at a later date, discard the partner.
If the abuser is not discarding the partner, then the person is not dealing with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They are dealing with something else. Abuse is not always Narcissistic Abuse. A person may be dealing with Psychopathic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, a parent or partner with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), or an extremely toxic person, but not Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Abuse is abuse, no matter the diagnosis.
The Physiological Impact of Abuse on the Brain
Dealing with abuse over time does not just affect and change a person’s thinking and feelings; it also has a physiological impact on the brain:
- Cortisol Production: Cortisol production changes in the brain. This is your stress hormone, and imbalances can cause long-term health issues such as anxiety, diabetes, osteoporosis, and many more.
- The Hippocampus: The part of the brain called the hippocampus gets smaller. This area is responsible for storing memories, processing information, and making rational decisions.
- The Amygdala: The amygdala gets bigger due to living in a constant state of anxiety and fear. The brain becomes stuck in a fight-or-flight response, causing the survivor to become hyper-vigilant.
The Reality of Narcissistic Supply
Emotional abuse and Narcissistic Abuse can happen between a parent and child, husband and wife, among relatives, and between friends. The weapon used by covert narcissists is emotions. They take no ownership of their behaviours or how they treat you. They do not accept your feelings; instead, they punish you for expressing how you feel by shutting you down, raging at you, or giving you the silent treatment.
To a narcissist, all you are to them is a drug of choice. You fulfil a purpose for them: to regulate their ego, as they are unable to do that for themselves, and to attempt to heal childhood wounds which were inflicted onto them during their own childhood.
Narcissistic supply for someone with NPD can include:
- Adoration and praise
- Status, money, and popularity
- Validation and attention
- Sex, fame, and self-image
- An identity
Anything which the narcissist needs that they see you can provide determines whether you become their personal narcissistic supply or not. They even rely on narcissistic supply through triangulating you with another person, or even a hobby. There is no such thing as true love to a person who has NPD; they do not want love or need love. They see our need and want for love as our weakness, which they use to their advantage.
Why Standard Therapy Often Falls Short
Most therapists have been briefly trained in the subject of overt narcissists, but have not had specialized training on covert narcissists. Going to a therapist or coach who does not have a deep understanding of, or acknowledge, Covert Narcissistic Abuse can cause a person to become re-traumatized. This further adds to the confusion, self-doubt, and isolation that you already feel.
While the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) has written extensively about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it has not written anything about the different types of narcissists, the effects on those who live with them, the havoc they cause, or the consequences of that behaviour on our mental health. This is why many victims wind up going to standard therapy and rarely feel they got to the root cause of their problems, continuing to feel stuck and unable to move forward.
A Message from Someone Who Understands
Being a survivor of abuse myself, I know all too well what you are up against. Narcissistic Abuse is extremely painful, frightening, soul-destroying, and has a massive impact on your self-esteem. Just like yourself, I did not end up in an abusive relationship by accident.
Signs of Abuse to Watch For:
- Triangulation and gaslighting
- Manipulation and scapegoating
- Silent treatment and stonewalling
- Projection and controlling behaviour
- Physical violence and financial abuse
- Lies, false hopes, and broken promises
- Public humiliation and breaking boundaries
- Enmeshed family relationships / emotional incest
- Exploitation and smear campaigns
- Sexual violence and threatening behaviour
- Character assassination, competing, and intentional sabotage
- Withholding and constantly changing the goalposts
How I Can Help You Break the Cycle
I will help you stop the cycle of dating abusive, toxic partners and break the addiction to them, allowing you to leave, never go back, and protect yourself from future toxic dynamics.
Reclaiming Your Life:
- Heal and recover from trauma and abuse, getting to the root cause of the issue.
- Never return to your abuser by breaking the psychological addiction.
- Feel safe, be free from fear, and take control of negative emotions.
- Develop good intuition so you can easily spot the signs of an abuser and make sure this never happens to you again.
- Remove the belief that you are unlovable so you no longer accept toxic love.
Rebuilding Your Core:
- Build self-esteem, confidence, and true self-worth.
- Remove blocks, limiting beliefs, and childhood programming that draw you toward abusive partners.
- Heal the inner critic and the inner child.
- Believe and feel that you are enough, that you are lovable, and that healthy love is available to you.
- Show you how to go no contact or limited contact safely.
- Become fully empowered to live a sane, happy, and peaceful life with a healthy mind and body.
You may have been raised by a covert narcissist or lived within a narcissistic family unit. You may have dated a narcissist, married one, divorced one, or just recently discovered one. As a result, you may be struggling to escape, heal, and move forward, feeling confused, isolated, exhausted, depressed, or angry, among many other CPTSD symptoms.
But you don’t have to do this alone. If I am honest, it is not possible to do this alone. I help abuse survivors from all around the world get back on their feet, regain their mental health from C-PTSD and PTSD, and recover back to who they were always meant to be.
“Narcissistic Abuse can not take place in an environment where there are boundaries”
“Believe patterns not apologies. Believe actions not words”
“We do not end up with partners who are NPD by accident”
“Emotional abusers are inconsistent with there moods & the love they show you”
“Your partner undermining & invalidating your emotional response is a extremely insidious form of gas-lighting”