Abuse is abuse no matter what the diagnosis may be. And you do not need a partner to be diagnosed as an NPD, or any other personality disorder, in order to be able to leave them.
If the relationship is hurting you either emotionally, mentally, psychologically, or physically then this is not love, and you have a every right to leave, and would be wise to do so.
Abuse such as emotional abuse is hard to recognise. And it is hard for outsiders to see to too as emotional abuse is felt not seen. Its covert, as is Narcissistic Abuse.
Covert narcissists a.k.a vulnerable narcissists, come under the Personality Disordered Cluster B Types, along with the Overt Narcissist.
Overt Narcissists are fairly easy to spot but Covert Narcissists which are the most damaging type out of the two, are a lot more difficult to spot as they wear a mask they hide behind, so at first you don’t see who they really are.
Then there’s the ‘Dark Triad’ type which is Narcissism, Machiavellian- ism, and Psychopathy. People with these traits show up in a person as excessive self love, and they struggle to see the point of how something makes another person feel.
Sociopaths and Psychopaths both disregard the rights of others, fail to feel remorse or guilt, and both can be extremely violent.
80% of abusers are found to have Personality Disorders, and a lot of abusive types can be found in people’s family units, especially Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This then goes on to become the blue print as to why a person ends up dating or marrying someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As it mostly always stems from the child’s relationship with a Narcissistic Cluster B parent/carer/family member.
It is also the reason why a person finds it difficult to leave the abusive relationship, as it’s familiar to them and they have learnt in their childhood that love is abuse. This unconscious belief that love is abuse becomes their identity and how they know to be, resulting in the reason the person ends up in a abusive relationship in the first place, and one of the reasons why they experience withdrawal symptoms if they try to leave the relationship, or if the narcissist discards them.
This is because the person has become unconsciously addicted due to being trauma bonded to the abuser, despite it’s them craving something that is deeply harmful to them.
Also the inner critic is hardwired through programming in childhood that love is pain, that a respectful and authentic love isn’t available to them, that they are not enough and are unlovable, that their feelings and emotions are not valuable, do not matter or even worthy of being acknowledged.
The mind sticks with what is familiar, and because of this childhood trauma programming it leads the person in adulthood to believe that they can right the situation in a love/partner relationship by getting that unconditional love from their abusive partner that they did not successfully receive from the parent/caregiver.
The parents/carers/family members failed to give them this as a child, and if they had, the person as a adult today would feel and believe they were lovable and enough.
But sadly this will not be achieved with an abusive intimate partner either, as Covert Narcissists (Vulnerable Narcissists) are incapable of giving love. A narcissist does not, ever, enter into a relationship with anyone, for love. They only use love as a weapon to use against their victims in order to addict their partner to them.
And then at a later date, discard the partner.
If the abuser is not discarding the partner then the person is not dealing with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). And they are dealing with something else.
Abuse is not always Narcissistic Abuse.
A person maybe dealing with Psychopathic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, a parent or partner with Borderline Personality Disorder, or dealing with a extremely toxic person, but not Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Abuse is abuse, no matter the diagnosis.
Dealing with abuse over time does not just effect and change the person’s thinking and feelings, it can also has a physiological impact on the brain:-
- Their cortisol production in the brain changes which is your stress hormone, which can cause issues such as Anxiety, Diabetes, Osteoporosis, and many more issues.
- The part of the brain called the Hippo-campus gets smaller, which is responsible for storing memories, information, and making rational decisions.
- The Amygdala gets bigger due to living in a state of anxiety and fear. Becoming stuck in fight and flight response and becoming hyper-vigilant.
Emotional abuse, Narcissistic Abuse can happen between a parent and child, husband and wife, among relatives, and between friends. The weapon used by Covert Narcissists are ‘Emotions’. They take no ownership for their behaviours or how they treat you. They do not accept your feelings, they punish you for expressing how you feel and about what is going on by shutting you down, raging at you, or even giving you the silent treatment.
To a narcissist all you are to them is a drug of their choice, you fulfil a purpose to them, to regulate their ego as they are unable to do that for themselves. And to also heal childhood wounds which were inflicted onto them by their mother during childhood.
Narcissistic supply for a NPD can be things such as adoration, praise, status, money, validation, attention, sex, fame, popularity, self image. or even an identity. Anything which the narcissist needs that they see you can provide for them and give them, determines if you become their personal narcissistic supply or not.
They even rely on narcissistic supply through triangulating you with another person, or even a hobby.
There’s no such thing as ‘love’ to a person who is true NPD, they do not want love or need love. They see our need and want for love, as our weakness, which they use to their advantage.
Most therapists have been briefly trained in the subject of Overt Narcissists, but have not had training on Covert Narcissists. And so going to a therapist or coach that does not understand and have a good understanding on, or acknowledge Covert Narcissistic Abuse can cause a person to become re- traumatized. Further adding to the confusion, self doubt and isolation that you already feel.
While the DSM (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual Of Disorders) has written extensively about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), it has not written anything about the different types of narcissists, or the effects on those who live with a NPD type and the havoc they cause with their behaviours, and the consequences of that behaviour on our mental health.
This is why many victims wind up going to therapy and rarely feel they got to the root cause of their problems, and continue to feel stuck, and unable to move forward.
Being a survivor of abuse myself myself I know all too well what your up against.
Narcissistic Abuse is extremely painful, frightening, soul destroying and has a massive impact on your self esteem. And just like yourself I did not end up in a abusive relationship by accident.
Signs of abuse:-
- Triangulation
- Gas lighting
- Manipulation
- Scapegoating
- Silent treatment/Stonewalling
- Projection
- Controlling
- Violence
- Financial Abuse
- Lies
- False Hopes/Broken Promises
- Public Humiliation
- Breaking Boundaries
- Enmeshed Family Relationships/Emotional Incest
- Exploitation
- Smear Campaigns
- Sexual Violence
- Threatening Behaviour
- Character Assassination
- Competing
- Sabotage
- Withholding
- Changing the goal posts
I will help you stop the cycle of dating abusive toxic partners and break the addiction to them. To be able to leave, never go back to them, or go on to date anyone else who is toxic/abusive.
I will help you:-
- Heal & Recover from Trauma & Abuse
- Develop good intuition
- Make sure this never happens to you again
- Never return to your abuser/Break the addiction
- Feel safe & be free from fear
- Take control of negative emotions
- Become Empowered
- Develop self esteem & confidence
- Healthy mind & body
- Have a sane, happy, peaceful life
- Spot the signs of an abuser
- Get to the root cause of issue & heal it
- Remove the belief that you are unlovable so you no longer accept toxic love again
- Build self esteem, confidence, and self worth
- Remove block, limiting beliefs, and childhood programming that allows you to date abusive and toxic men/women
- Show you how to go no contact or limited contact with an abuser
- Believe & feel you are enough, lovable, and that love is available to you
- Heal the inner critic & inner child
You may have been raised by a covert narcissist or lived within a narcissistic cult family unit, you may have dated a narcissist or married one, divorced one or just recently discovered one. And now as a result may be struggling to escape, heal, move forward. You may be feeling confused, isolated, exhausted, depressed, angry. Among many other CPTSD symptoms due to the traumatic experience.
But you don’t to do this alone. And if I am honest, it’s not possible to do this alone.
I help abuse survivors from all around the world get back on their feet, regain their mental health from C-PTSD & PTSD. and recover back to who they were always meant to be.
“Narcissistic Abuse can not take place in an environment where there are boundaries”
“Believe patterns not apologies. Believe actions not words”
“We do not end up with partners who are NPD by accident”
“Emotional abusers are inconsistent with there moods & the love they show you”
“Your partner undermining & invalidating your emotional response is a extremely insidious form of gas-lighting”