WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?

• Is a coercive control tactic used to shift the focus away from the partner’s or parents abusive behaviour and instead, towards the victims supposed emotional and psychological instability.
•  Is a form of emotional abuse which causes the victim to question  themselves. Keeping the victim doubting themselves, causing confusion, and question their reality, perception, and feelings.
• Is dismissing, disregarding, and devaluing the victims needs, emotions and feelings
• Telling the victim that what they think, what they witnessed, what they felt or heard was incorrect. All in they’re head.
•  Accusing the victim of cheating when they are actually the ones doing the cheating ( this is called projection)
• Gas-lighters usually have a history of infidelity
• They Love bomb the victim. This is called idealisation.
• They use what’s known as triangulation to pit people against each other.
• Taking the person/victim through a process of Idealization, devaluation, and discard. This process is what a person with narcissistic personality disorder puts each and every one of they’re victims through. And if this is not happening then you are not dealing with a true NPD.
• Sucking the victim back into the relationship through false promises and love bombing

WHAT ISN’T GASLIGHTING?

• • Gaslighting is not someone who is just in a bad mood
  • Solely poor communication/ or avoiding you
  • A temporary event
  • Something that is immediately apparent
• Motivation to control another person or get away with something
• Ulterior motive

 

GASLIGHTER FAMILY-OF-ORIGIN ISSUES

• • Gaslighting parents will have a “scapegoat” and a “golden child”
  • The parent will switch the roles dependent on perceived “loyalty” to the parent from the child/adult child. Or may change for no reason
  • Children may become parentified
  • Parents put children in a double-bind
  • Children and adult children are punished such through the silent treatment, smear campaigns, isolation from the family unit, enabling family members or friends of the family, or given conflicting messages causing confusion.
• If parents have personality disorders, children may learn or mimic these behaviour’s
•  Survival mechanism
• Children may be diagnosed with personality disorders as adults
• The victim can develop some nasty narcissistic traits/narcissistic Fleas. But not full blown NPD.

 

HERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS TO DETERMINE GASLIGHTING

• • Gaslighting parents will have a “scapegoat” and a “golden child”
  • The parent will switch the roles dependent on perceived “loyalty” to the parent from the child/adult child. Or may change fo• Has your partner told you that people close to you have said bad things about you?
  • Do you find that items of great value or sentimentality go missing in your home with no explanation?
  • Has your partner turned family members against you, your children against you or undermined your parenting?
  • Has your partner told you that what you saw or heard is all in your head? or that you are not well?
  • Did your relationship start off very intensely, followed by a steep drop in your partner’s approval?
  • Have your friends and family commented that this relationship isn’t healthy for you?
  • Is there a history of abuse in your family of origin?
  • Do you have a history of abusive relationships?
  • Does your partner say that a majority of issues in the relationship are your fault?
  • Does your partner habitually cheat or engage in other forms of dishonesty?
  • Does your partner or family member trivialize, minimize and dismiss your feelings, your boundaries, or tell you that you are overreacting to a situation.
  • Do they accuse you of being the bad one, the evil one because you have reacted in anger to their abusive actions, they’re lack of respect for your boundaries, they’re words,  and behaviours towards you (This is known as reactive abuse. And very common for the victim to then experience secondary abuse from the abuser/s , enablers and flying monkeys)
  • Do they lie about or deny something and refuse to admit the lie even when proof is shown?
  • Do they distort reality and they’re adamant that they did or said something even when they did not? Or that they are adamant that they did not do or saying something in which you know for a fact they did?
  •  Do they change the narrative and blame you for something that wasn’t your fault and make you feel like you have to apologize? • Has your partner told you that people close to you have said bad things about you?
    • Do you find that items of great value or sentimentality go missing in your home with no explanation?
    • Has your partner turned family members against you, your children against you or undermined your parenting?
    • Has your partner told you that what you saw or heard is all in your head? or that you are not well?
    • Did your relationship start off very intensely, followed by a steep drop in your partner’s approval?
    • Have your friends and family commented that this relationship isn’t healthy for you?
    • Is there a history of abuse in your family of origin?
    • Do you have a history of abusive relationships?
    • Does your partner say that a majority of issues in the relationship are your fault?
    • Does your partner habitually cheat or engage in other forms of dishonesty?

Strategies for survivors experiencing gaslighting

 

• 1. Know that a partner or parent/care giver who repeatedly trivializes, lies, distorts reality, or changes the narrative may be using gaslighting to coercively control you., and deflect the attention back off of them.
  2. Share your concerns with others who you trust and feel safe with, and who will validate your experiences and feelings.
  3. Engage with activities and interests that you enjoy which can provide emotional safety and space from the situation.
  4. Pay attention to your partner’s or parents/carers actions, and not just their words. Their behaviours may not match their promises or actions.
  5. Record everything as best as you can. Keep documents, photos, and communication records (e.g. text messages, emails) in a safe place. Write down events in a journal or keep voice memos (if your phone is safe with you) so you can go back to replay an event.
  6. Connect with trusted friends and family, if it is safe to do so, for a ‘check-in’ about an incident to hear an objective point of view. At the same time, know that family and friends are most likely to hear your partner’s denials or claims that you are “losing it” or “mixed up again” or “not well”, or may not have the true story or facts.
  7. The aim of the abusive partner or parent/care giver who is gaslighting you is to make you and others believe that you are the problem, not them. They want their abusive behaviour to remain hidden, and they’re false identity to remain in stack.
  8. Know that gaslighting may mask or detract your awareness from the danger of and escalation in the abuse that you are experiencing.
  9. Make a safety plan with a trusted friend, family member, or shelter worker that includes how and where you will escape quickly. And get the help needed to heal and recover from the mental and emotional damage they have caused. As escaping is not just physical, its mentally and emotionally escaping from the abuser too.
  10. Remember that it is not your fault that you are being gaslighted. It is a form of abuse.