Survivors of intimate relationships with narcissists will understand the attention seeking/validation a narcissistic abuser displays as they try to gain narcissistic supply be it through praise, admiration, validation, sex, status, wealth or even compassion of a co-dependent.
One of the common ways narcissists retain narcissistic supply is through triangulation. This is the act of having another person or even more than one person in the dynamic of the relationship and making the victim compete for the attention of the narcissist.
This method is often used to create love triangles among the people that the narcissistic abuser depends on for his or her daily fix of attention.
Narcissists want us to compete for their love and attention, but what we are fighting for is ultimately meaningless, as narcissists don’t even have the ability to love anyone in a healthy manner.
Triangulation doesn’t only have to involve another romantic interest.
One of the easiest ways for a narcissist to triangulate is spending excessive time with a close adult child. This adult child starts to pretty much function as a surrogate partner.
Incredibly, the narcissist will take their adult child on vacations, day trips out, to weddings, and all sorts of events and places that most healthy people would take their significant other to.
The narcissist will spend a lot of time texting and calling their adult child as they would with a significant other.
Giving the surrogate partner (adult child) endless validation, and confiding in them as if they were their partner.
There will be couple photos of them both posted on social media often, or the narcissist will be posing with other people the narcissist wants to triangulate you with, like certain friends of the opposite sex.
And when you mention their behaviour they will repeatedly call you crazy and jealous.
Instead of affection of their partner, they prefer the adoration of an entourage. And by keeping their adult child immature and dependant on them emotionally and mentally, they will always be assured of a reliable source of adoration (narc supply).
Having a relationship in this way with their adult child as their life partner is called emotional incest.
And it gets passed on from one generation to another.
– Dr Sam Vaknin.
This kind of emotional abuse is one of the most insidious, heartbreaking and traumatic experiences you can go through.
I know first hand the huge impact it has on your self-worth and confidence.
And Triangulation leaves long lasting emotional scars and makes you feel as if you are jealous and insecure.
Its soul destroying, and also leaves you unsure how or if you will trust a partner in the future ever again.
I spent the whole of my relationship with my emotionally abusive ex partner having to compete and fight for my position in my own relationship. Not with just one women, but three women in his life. On many different occasions.
You never have to compete with anyone, and a healthy partner would never want anyone who they truly love and cherish to feel their competing with anyone anyway.
We don’t consciously allow this type of person to abuse us through Triangulation.
The narcissist covertly hooks us in with their false mask of charm, adoration, and false love. And by being everything that they think we want him or her to be.
They can spot a kind, loving and genuine person a mile off. Just like a great white shark can smell one drop of blood in the ocean a mile away.
Feeling real love for a partner and feeling loved by your partner is real and exists. But a narcissist will lie and be what they think you want them to be, for example, ‘They once claimed they were a broken person, and couldn’t be their real self with anyone else, and that you were the reason they were happy’.
Here are just some of the ways they may triangulate you with others:-
- Flirting
- Giving impression to another they are available
- Physical infidelity
- Emotional infidelity
- Receiving and sending flirty texts messages to and from them
- Defending others above or against you despite their bad behaviour towards you
- ‘Liking’ other women’s ( who they know personally and triangulating you with) half naked body photos
- Cosy couple photos of them together on social media
- They allow the person they are triangulating you with to break your boundaries
- Confides in person/s they are triangulating you with
- Their not private about your life between you both(Shares information with person/s your being triangulated with)
- The intimate moments of love you thought were just for you are being shared with the person/s you are being triangulated with as well
- They are constantly validating the person/s your being triangulated with through texts and calls, as if they were their lover
- Always takes their phone to bathroom with them and interacts with the person/s you’re being triangulated with, while you’re in bed waiting for your partner to spend time with you.
- Takes them on days out instead of you
- Buys jewellery or personal gifts for them while out buying you a special gift, i.e. Your Engagement Ring
- Keeps phone on while you’re on holiday together so they can keep in touch with them
You will never be able to settle into a feeling of peace in your relationship with them.
And when you question them on their behaviour with the other person your triangulated with their response will be that of denial and rage while calling you crazy and jealous. Gas lighting you and Projecting on to you.
It is important to know and understand that Triangulation is not an indication of your worth or desirability.
Let their New/Old sources of supply get the consultation prize. Move onto bigger and better things.
Your biggest prize is your new life, a life of freedom, a path back to your true authentic self, healing and recovery, and having true authentic love come into your life from a partner that is kind, cares about your feelings, needs, wants and happiness, respects you, and doesn’t make you compete.
Self protection against Triangulation:-
- Work on self-worth and confidence
- Have internal and external boundaries
- Trust you gut instinct
- Acknowledge your feelings
- Learn the Red Flags to protect your self
- Never resort to calling yourself crazy in order to account for their extremely bad behaviour
- Learn what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in a relationship
- Put your boundaries in place and don’t allow them to break them
- Leave the relationship